Okay here's an update: I now know the buttons do work and the remote sensor works. It's just that this TV has been completely locked down. So technically it's not broken, just more locked down then a Verizon phone...
I found out I can get into a service menu by holding both the MENU button on the universal remote that I programmed, and the MENU button on the TV. Do this for about 20 seconds and one of two service menus pop up, an EZ start menu and a more technical menu
Found out I had the remote programmed when the LED on the TV blinked.
So it seems like I'm close...
Oh and feel free to get pissed at the jerk who made this video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61qBtWSFngU
He shows that the TV can be unlocked with a remote, but doesn't explain how he does it.