How to operate an HDTV

[MRX37]

This is similar to my post on How to operate a tube TV This is meant to be a parody. Real HDTV's (hopefully) don't work like this.

How to operate an HDTV

With the advent of digital TV and the realization that digital video can be compressed to save on space in the frequency spectrum, the FCC has mandated that all analog television cease to broadcast on 2/17/09, so that they may make a shitload of money selling off the unused TV spectrum.

While digital TV is an overall improvement over the traditional low resolution NTSC standard, there are a few issues that may crop up:

COMMON ISSUES:

PROBLEM: The picture on my screen has all these artifacts and the sound is all muddled!

SOLUTION: Broadcaster is using way too much compression. Complain like crazy or pay money for better signal quality.


PROBLEM: The damn picture keeps freezing and pixelating!

SOLUTION: Buy a better antenna. Digital signals are either there or not there. If the signal strength drops below a certain threshhold, the TV will stop showing a picture. These issues tend to crop up when your TV is more then 30 feet away from the TV station's transmitter. After the 2009 switchover is complete, coverage will be extended to more then 60 feet away from the transmitter.


PROBLEM: On my analog programs, the people now look all squashed and fatter then normal.

SOLUTION: This is due to the differences between 4.3 and 16.9 aspect ratios. Most HDTV's have a feature to automaticlly adjust the aspect ratio. You need to go into the menu, figure out how to navigate it, reset to factory defaults after you screw up one of the 3500 settings, find the feature that allows analog broadcasts to be displayed properly, and turn it on. Make sure you have the proper permissions to adjust the settings on your TV. If you don't, please contact your system administrator.


PROBLEM: How the f*** do I change the channel?!

SOLUTION: There are two ways to do this: There's the remote control, which has many tiny, hard to see buttons, and there are buttons on the TV which are also tiny and hard to see. Generally, the buttons with arrows will either change the channel or the volume level. Try experimenting. You can always reset to factory defaults after you screw something up. After you lose the remote or break it out of frustration, you'll have to order a replacement.


PROBLEM: I'm getting pop up ads while I'm watching my shows!!

SOLUTION: Your TV may be infected with spyware. Go into the menu and run the diagnostic software. Be sure to update your TV's BIOS regularly.


OTHER TIPS:

Do not break the original remote no matter how tempting it might be. The original remote is the only device that can access the TV's menu, control the TV's web browser, close pop up ads, delete messages, record videos, and format the TV's hard drive. Universal remotes will not give you access to all these features no matter how many different ones you buy. Oh you'll get close after buying about 10 or 15 different universal remotes... but you'll never find one that can do everything the original can.

If you do lose or break the remote, replacements can be ordered from the company for about $10.00 each. If the model has been discontinued, which happens every 6 weeks, then it will cost around $1400,00 for a replacement.

Get the extended warrenty when you buy an HDTV. HDTV's are designed to fail one or two days after the warrenty expires. An extended warrenty will ensure your TV lasts longer. After it fails, it's unrepairable. Seriously... Don't try to repair it... PUT THAT SOLDERING IRON AWAY! BUY A NEW TV INSTEAD! WE NEED THE MONEY DAMNIT!!

Do not expose your new HDTV to small children, cats, dogs, or reality programming. Doing so can danage your TV and void the warrenty.

By following this information, you can get several years of enjoyment out of your new HDTV. After it breaks and you buy a new one, you can enjoy that one for several more years.